After a Split, Dads Have it Hard
Over the years I have worked with many men going through a divorce. Sadly in most cases children are used as pawns by people looking to manipulate and invoke a response, or simply out of spite to cause emotional pain to the other. There aren't any of us that haven't been ourselves or know of someone who are parents and a re separated, divorced, or were never married in the first place. Custody almost always goes to the mother unless something unfortunate exists. Latest statistics show that 26% of all children under the age of 21 are being raised by single mothers. That's an astounding 21.8 million children in the U.S.
We as parents must always remember who is stake when they break up. Issues between parents should remain between parents and children should not be subject to the opinions usually steeped in hurt to affect the relationship with the other parent. One parent is often subjected to this abuse from their ex.
This article is not about the quality of ones character. There are many parents of both genders who are manipulative, who attempt to live vicariously through their children. Fathers are often subjected to scrutiny to ideals, rather than the realities of life. Living apart is not the same as being together. Parents must understand the dynamic changes and balance of responsibility changes. Ones responsibility tends to day to day living, the other to being a provider.
Fathers are often subjected to spite of the ex's, or opinions of the 'new' man who has moved into the home with their children. When a parent allows the opinions of their new partner to affect the child they do a disservice not only to the other parent, but ultimately to the child. If a relationship was still in tact these actions would border on spousal abuse. And often both spouses become verbally abusive after a break-up. These tactics almost never work and can come back to haunt them with a rebellious and angry teenager. Every not-at-home father should remember his core values and not feel obligated to live to someone else's ideal. Raising kids is their responsibility too. Maintaining your purpose and values instils an identity to your children and allows them to see you as you really are, and not what the other parent may say.
Being a not-at-home father is almost always a lose-lose situation. The child doesn't have the masculine influence in the home, and the father loses the opportunity to have a say in some of the direction of their children's life. Women have the final say in almost all cases. The only recourse many have is the courts. Women move away, move in with other men, bad talk and manipulate in order to force outcomes. It's not fair, but it is life. There isn't much a man can do unless he wants to go to court.
Some of my clients watch their ex's cope with drugs and alcohol, unstable and unsupportive relationships their ex's are in, and poor living conditions. Break-ups usually occur because people change, values change. Parents must remember that expecting the same approach to parenting is often unrealistic. Each parent must be given the opportunity to be themselves, and to parent to the best of their ability, not to someone's ideology. Fathers are an easy scapegoat, and are often the perceived cause of frustration. It takes both parents to make things work in these difficult situations. If there are problems both share the responsibility. In order to have a better outcome, both must work together to ensure it.
Elliot Zovighian is a life coach, speaker, author, blogger is the owner of EZ Lifestyles, a life coaching company from Toronto, Canada. His daily blog offers articles and advice on such subjects as life skills, work and career, relationships, parenting, featured videos and more. http://www.ezlifestyles.ca