Quick, Cheap, Divorce

When a couple divorce many people concentrate on the emotional recovery of the couple and the important practical matters, like finances, home and the business of getting back on their feet. Children are often considered because young children are often directly affected by access decisions and where they will continue to live and be schooled. There is the bigger picture too, of how divorce affects the whole family.

Young children often require stability. They may not have realised exactly what has been going on but they will have been affected by any arguing and upset. Children have been known to blame themselves for their parents disagreements, feeling that their naughtiness or failures in some way contributed to their parents unhappiness. Children need reassurance and routine. They need to know that they are loved by both parents, can speak to both parents and that life will be okay for them. Often they do not need to know any more than that.

Teenagers at home can struggle with a divorce. They may feel that they have to choose between their parents, they may feel that they have to blame one parent. Often there are financial implications on teenagers as there is often less money in the family budget. This may result in implications for their schooling or further education options. Readjusting can take a little time and they need to be emotionally supported through this stage.

Older children, once they have left home are often amazed at how affected they are at their parents breaking up. They often feel that they are grown up, busy in their adult lives at university or working, perhaps in relationships of their own. They know that they should be pleased that their parents are taking charge of their own lives and deciding what is right for them. But the little child inside often rebels and gets upset at the thought that everything they grew up knowing is being broken up.

Some children may feel relieved that a damaging destructive parental relationship is finally being ended. Both parents are free to walk away and start their lives over again, hopefully finding happiness and contentment in the process. Other children may not have fully realised how difficult their parents marriage was. They may have been protected from it or simply got used to the atmosphere and accepted it as normal. There can be a need to readjust and heal from the discovery that the relationship is finally ending.

Grandparents often lose out in divorces. They often feel the need to be loyal to their own son or daughter, but in the process they may well lose contact with their grandchildren. Often one set of grandparents end up doing rather more than before, helping out with childcare, finances, maybe even providing a home for a time. And often the other grandparents may become almost estranged from the family.

Some families choose to use mediation or counselling to help the different parties understand and come to terms with the huge changes to their lives and lifestyle. This type of support can provide a neutral environment in which to voice the concerns and fears that each person has. It can provide an opportunity for the full impact of the situation on each person be appreciated and try to find ways to negotiate and achieve a better outcome as far as possible for each family member.

Susan Leigh is a Counsellor and Hypnotherapist who works with
- stressed individuals to promote confidence and self belief,
- couples in crisis to help improve communications and understanding
- with business clients to help support the health and motivation levels of individuals and teams

For more information see http://www.lifestyletherapy.net