Quick, Cheap, Divorce

A couple can stay together for many reasons. Long after the initial intense passion and lust has faded there often develops a real closeness, deep friendship and a strong sense of companionship. Their shared history forms special bonds that can keep a couple close. Even if one person realises that they no longer love the other in the same way any more, their finances, history, fear of the unknown, horror at the thought of starting again can overcome any real desire to split. They may stay together for years in this way. And it can be fine.

But sometimes those reasons are not enough and one person can feel that they have to break away from the marriage. I often counsel individuals and couples in this situation and advise each person of the importance of being a little selfish at this time. Being selfish means taking account of ones own wants and needs in any decisions, taking care of oneself and ultimately doing what feels right. When a person feels happier and more in control of ones choices then everyone around them benefits.

- Guilt is a harsh reason to stay in a relationship. Feeling responsible for children is important, but staying in a loveless relationship can provide a negative environment for everyone. Children sense when things are wrong, they pick up subtle signals and know when the atmosphere is tense. Splitting up should be handled with sensitivity, especially when children are involved. Trying to keep everything as normal as possible, reassuring children that both parents love them but cannot live together, that they can contact the absent parent and see them as often as possible all help to comfort children and help them cope with the disruption of change.

- Guilt over leaving a partner has to be managed carefully. It is important for the leaving partner not to fall into the trap of saying, doing, promising things that will not happen simply to smooth over a tense or emotional situation. Some people can end up moving back home because they feel guilty, only to leave again and cause even more heartache the next time they realise that they cannot stay and live a lie. Counselling can help both parties cope more positively, understand themselves better and improve confidence to do what is right at this difficult and often traumatic time.

- Fear of the unknown can be an issue for couples who have been together for many years. Sometimes staying with what is familiar is tempting because it appears to be the easier option. Often difficulties in a relationship have been ongoing for some considerable time. Many people in this situation find that they become increasingly depressed, listless and de-motivated as time passes. Motivating oneself to make decisions to start again and reclaim ones life can require a lot of effort and determination. Acknowledging that they cannot continue living this way can be a difficult realisation to action.

- Starting again, finding a job, a new home, new friends can be a lot to take on board at an already vulnerable time. Taking time, perhaps renting accommodation or staying with friends or family, taking a temporary job can all help alleviate any immediate pressure. Implementing short-term measures can be a better option rather than committing to making major decisions at this time.

Sometimes facing up to the fact that life has to be lived, that honesty is fairer for all parties is a tough but important decision to take. Hopefully, ultimately everyone respects being treated with integrity, even if it was tough to handle at the time.

Susan Leigh is a Counsellor and Hypnotherapist who works with
- stressed individuals to promote confidence and self belief,
- couples in crisis to help improve communications and understanding
- with business clients to help support the health and motivation levels of individuals and teams

For more information see http://www.lifestyletherapy.net.